Losing Her
by Angel22897
Summary: I never told her how important she was to me; what a connection I felt with her, that I loved her. Now it's too late, and I can't go back. I can never go back.


**The betrayal meant he couldn't trust her anymore and his heart told him he couldn't forgive her.**

I remember her sad sparkling eyes staring intently into mine. She spoke in a soft voice as she asked me to forgive her.

Part of me wanted to forgive her, but another wouldn't let me. I trusted her more than anyone else and she betrayed me...

But, she was also trying to protect me. She was always protecting me, I realize. She sacrificed herself to save my life. Even after I had treated her so coldly. I never forgave her, or at least I never told her I did. I never told her how important she was to me; what a connection I felt with her, that I loved her. Now it's too late, and I can't go back. I can never go back.

I should have forgiven her. I should have hugged her and kissed her and thanked her for trying to protect me, even when she ended up hurting me instead.

I remember the kiss we shared in the old shed back in the scorch. It felt so real to me. So, amazingly real. It must have meant something to her too, because she kissed me again when she came back to get me in the cavern. It didn't feel real to me then. I still regret that kiss being out last. It could have been so much better but I never gave it a chance. I regret letting go of what we might have had.

I know we were close before the maze too. Best friends. Maybe more. Sometimes I wish I had my memories back so I could know for sure. But I think maybe it would hurt more to know the depth of our relationship. To know what I really lost. I wonder what Teresa remembered about me. I wish that I had asked.

There's this old saying that I remember, "it's better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all." I'm not so sure that's true. The way I'm feeling now, I don't believe it's true at all.

Or maybe I do, because I can't imagine my life without Teresa ever being there. It seems like there would always have been a void, just like the one I feel now.

I don't think I will ever be able to fill the void, to let go, or move on.

I will never love anyone like I loved Teresa. No could ever replace her, because there's no one like her. No one could ever be her. She's irreplaceable.

I feel the tears coming and I let them fall. If I could go back and change things I would. If I could get Teresa back I wouldn't hesitate, and I'd never let her go again no matter what.

/

A gentle hand touches my shoulder. I don't need to turn around to know that it's Brenda. I try to wipe the tears away, I know there's no fooling her, and they are quickly replaced anyways.

"Thomas." she says my name softly, almost in a whisper. I can hear the concern in her voice and a feeling of guilt washes over me. She wants me to turn around, but I can't bring myself to meet her gaze.

I'm not exactly sure where I stand with Brenda, relationship-wise but I know that she has more feelings for me than I can return. She kissed me last night after we arrived in our new safe haven. I didn't stop her, instead I pulled her closer to me... I should have pulled away. I don't know what that defines us as but being anything more than friends seems wrong with all these thoughts of Teresa swirling around in my mind.

I remember the look sadness that washed over Teresa face, when I was standing next to Brenda. I wonder what she saw between us...

Teresa and I had a special connection. I know that for certain now. Letting it go so quickly wouldn't be fair to her, or Brenda. I still have strong feelings for her even though she's gone, and I can't keep ignoring them, not now. I need time to move on, to heal.

It feels like I could never move on in this moment, but maybe I could, maybe one day I could return Brenda's feelings. It seems impossible now, though.

"Thomas? Thomas?! What's wrong? Talk to me."

Brenda is sitting next to me now, the look on her face matching the concern in her voice.

"I'm sorry..." I don't know what else to say.

"It's okay... what were you thinking about?"

"Teresa." Her name escapes my mouth before I can stop it.

"Oh," _Oh no._

Brenda is silent for a moment before she speaks again.

"You guys were pretty close, huh?"

I nod.

"It was really brave of her to save your life like that..."

I close my eyes.

"I'm sorry... I shouldn't have brought that up."

I open my mouth to speak, but no words come out. I don't know what to say. I need to be honest with Brenda, but I don't want to hurt her, not again... I remember the look of disappointment on her face when I told her that she wasn't Teresa and could never be her. I can't do that to her again.

"You loved her didn't you?" She asks looking away from me. I wonder how she knew.

"I...yes." I frown. " I'm sorry."

"Don't be. You tried to tell me before...didn't you? That whole 'you could never be her' thing. You wouldn't kiss me because you loved her... It's kind of sweet actually. I shouldn't have gotten mad, I should have seen it. I'm the one who should be sorry." Her voice is full of sadness, I wish that I could take it away.

"I didn't see it either." I reply choking back tears, "Not until it was too late..."

Brenda wraps her arms around me in a warm embrace. "Let's just be friends for now. It's okay, I get it. I know I kind of rushed things...You need time to heal. Maybe someday we can be more."

I nod wrapping my arms around her. I hadn't expected her to take it so well.

"Thank-you..." I say when we pull apart "Thank-you for understanding, for being my friend."

She smiles, but it doesn't reach her eyes. I hate myself for hurting her. I don't know what I'd do if she wasn't so strong. I couldn't bear losing another friend. Especially not Brenda, who has been by my side on all accounts.

I don't know if we'll ever be more than friends, but I do know that she will always be special to me.


End file.
